Looking Back

Another year is coming to an end. They whiz by so quickly now. I long for the years of my youth that seemed to take at least 3 years to complete. Now they are gone in a few short months.

This has been a monumental year for me. I became a grandmother - twice. But more importantly, I've been blessed to experience a year in which my children became the people I always hoped they would be.

My daughter is learning patience - with the help of her daughter - and the value of relaxing. She's learned that anything is possible with the right person at your side. And she's learned that home is the most wonderful place on earth.

My son, who has always had a big heart, is learning that his capacity for love is boundless. He's learned - from his son - that he is truly not the center of the universe and his time can always be better spent taking care of someone else. And he's learned to finally trust someone with his heart.

Me, I've learned to trust my children. Although they both still come to me for advice and guidance and unconditional love, they don't need me like they used to. They're doing fine. That was hard for a control freak such as myself to learn, but my children have patiently taught this to me through their actions. They have good lives.

Dummy Lights

I love the little dummy lights that are on the dash of cars. The newer the car the more lights. I don't have someone at home to periodically check all those mechanical things, so having the car check itself is great.

Cars have always had the oil/engine one - but if it came on it was almost too late already. The light should come on when it's just beginning to veer off the norm, so you have time to get an appointment at the garage.

My car has one that tells me when the air pressure in my tires is not what it's supposed to be. Isn't that great? I no longer have to cajole my son into checking the air pressure, or listen to him admonish me for not learning how to do this myself (some things I just don't want to do.) Now the car tells me when I need air.

Now, when they invent a car that fixes itself I'll be all set.

Soup

I love making and eating soup. For me, soup is not just a winter food - it's a constant!

The only thing I don't like about soup is recipes. I never use them -- well, except for ideas. Soups evolve from ingredients at hand, ideas seen elsewhere, current mood of the day, and spontenaity.

Last night I made bean soup. I use the packaged dried beans that have a dozen or so varieties in one bag. (I skip the flavor packet that come with it because it has too much sodium.) Into this mix I added ham (leftover from Christmas), carrots, onions, garlic, barley, and a myriad of spices (most notably cumin and black pepper.) The end product is wonderful!

So, today my lunch is bean soup. As it will be tomorrow and the next day. The only thing I'm missing is the thickly-buttered homemade bread to accompany the soup . . . but I'll remember it when I pack tomorrow's lunch.

Calendars

With the new year approaching, I've realized that I haven't gotten a new calendar yet. I'm not a huge fan of calendars. I can have one hanging up and forget to change the month for several months. I keep most of my appointment information on my Google calendar - which sends me texts to let me know what is coming (cool, huh?) But everyone needs a calendar hanging somewhere in the house (typically kitchen) that they can refer to when you are making plans and need to know what date is the first Saturday . . . or something like that.

I used to have multiple calendars. I'd have a desk blotter calendar, a kitchen calendar, a planner in my purse, a little stand-up calendar that my insurance agent sends me, a calendar in my office (often the shirtless cowboys one)and a little card calendar that I could keep in my wallet. Somewhere along the way I stopped needing calendars. I'm not sure why.

My need for calendars ended only a few years after I stopped needing a watch. I could try to say that it has something to do with a changing philosophy of life and living as opposed to being a slave to a schedule, but it probably is just another facet of getting older.

Sunday Morning

My favorite TV news program is CBS Sunday Morning. I like it for a lot of reasons - most importantly, it's more relaxed, never rushing through stories, no epileptic sequence of video clips, just telling stories. I also like it because it's typically "good" news. It often features artists, musicians and writers. It gives wonderful commentary on real life and real people and just a touch of comedy. It's like lounging around with the Sunday paper, only on TV.

But, I've got to go now, I've got to make my tea before it comes on.

Bed

I read an article once that money truly can buy happiness - sort of. There are certain things that you can spend money on that will give you a happiness return on your investment.

I cannot remember what all the options were, but one stuck in my mind. It said that money you put into your bedroom comes back in restful sleep and a happier next day. I took this article to heart and made some investments.

A couple years ago I bought a new bed. Then one Christmas my daughter got me a thick foam mattress topper. Then another Christmas she bought me high-thread-count sheets. Then this past summer I invested in pillows - not cheap pillows.

I've got to say, that when I sink into my bed each evening, it is heaven. And crawling out of my bed is very difficult in the morning.

So, it's true. Money can buy happiness.

Christmas

Today is Christmas. I'm not a huge fan, but I love any excuse for family to get together. This Christmas was one of the better I've ever had. It was noticably absent any drame (a usual staple in our Christmas celebratin.)

In fact, the weather was the only part of the day that was disappointing. Gotta love a holiday that doesn't disappoint.

Christmas Movies

I sat here this evening and watched a few more sappy Christmas movies. It doesn't matter how many times I watch some of them, I'm game to watch again when they come on the next year. I'm not sure why.

Life never seems to be as tragic or as happily ever after as these movies. Some have outlandish plot lines. And some are just poorly written and/or acted. But I can't seem to help myself.

The same type of movie I probably wouldn't have patience for any other time of the year, but I'm thankful that once a year I can lose myself in holiday movies.

Desserts

My office had it's holiday luncheon today. There are only four of us, so it's not a really big deal. Each year the boss pulls out the company credit card, closes the office, and makes reservations at a nice restaurant in the area.

In an attempt to get as much from the luncheon as possible (it is, after all, our only Christmas bonus) we all order appetizers and desserts with our meal. Today my meal was average - a nice Ceasar salad and some shrimp and bow tie pasta with a very strange orangish sauce, but dessert was heavenly.

It was called Cajun Bread Pudding - I'm not sure where the Cajun influence came in (unless they are whiskey drinkers because the sauce was supposed to be made with whiskey - though I couldn't taste it.) But I have to say, it was heavenly. It was a normal bread pudding, sprinkled with soft raisins, and covered in a heavenly peachy-colored cream sauce. It was the best part of the meal.

Sometimes life doesn't bring us much, but if we can get a nice dessert out of it once in a while, it's worth it.

It's a Wrap

I wrapped gifts last night. Finally. It's not that I mind wrapping, it's just that sometimes the space to spread out and enjoy wrapping gets limited. I didn't pull out the bows - I didn't get that "into it" but everyone's gift is now at least covered with bright holiday paper and placed festively under my table-top tree.

I remember years when I tried to go all out with wrapping. Fancy ribbons and bows. Each gift looking different than the last. But sometime in the last few years its become less and less important. Maybe the urge to create masterpieces will return someday, but until then, if you get a gift from me - it's just wrapped.

Winter

Winter officially begins today. No, I didn't look at the calendar - that date means nothing, just an arbitrary day on the calendar. I know that Winter officially began today because I fell on my ass. Yep, first step on my sidewalk was punctuated by first butt on the sidewalk. Of course legs went in opposite directions.

There was no way to stop myself. It was completely invisible and both hands were full on my way to the car (see earlier post.)

On the drive to work it crossed my mind that maybe I should have gone back into the house and gotten some salt to put on the sidewalk. I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that no one else celebrates the first day of Winter as I did.

Aches and Pains

I woke up this morning with a few minor aches - most notably in my lower back and shoulders - and wondered why. It was a few hours later, while enjoying my second cup of tea and 3 pain reliever tablets, that I realized it was probably because of last night's shoveling. After all, I'd spent over an hour and a half outside moving snow. Which, by the way, is not an easy endeavor when you are standing in snow that reaches well past your knees. (Note to self: start an in-house savings jar to have cash on hand to pay someone else to do this next time!)

I had to laugh. I guess if you're going to get old and have aches and pains when you do activities, it's good that your memory is going too.

Snow Storm

We had a snow storm today. I just shoveled about 18" off my sidewalk and it's still snowing.

As I was wading through this snow trying to shovel it, I kept thinking of how I enjoyed it when I had teenagers at home who would do this for me. Terri was most likely to volunteer. It seemed she always had a friend here when we had the worst snowstorms and so enjoyed the excuse to go out and be a little crazy in the snow. Something about deep snow always brought out her crazy side. Any other day would have had her griping about the cold, but if there was snow she wanted to be out in it.

One snowy day she came home all excited. She had managed to get on the local news as she had been uptown playing near the TV station. We all had to stay up until the 11:00 pm news so we could tape it.

So I was thigh deep in the snow today wondering why none of the teens walking up and down the street seemed to be enjoying the snow. I think it's just further evidence that young people try to grow up too quickly. Terri enjoyed being young as absolutely long as she could.

Pajamas - Revisited

I stopped at the grocery store on my way to work this morning and saw a man loading his groceries in his car. He looked like he was wearing pajamas. The print was of a football team logo so I wasn't sure. But when I got close enough to pass him I saw that they were indeed pajamas and he was also wearing slippers. This was an adult man - probably in his 40s!

I have seen women wearing the pajama bottoms at the mall a lot - but they were all young, so I forgave them their ignorance. I just figured they were doing it for shock value. Some take it too far and wear the fuzzy slippers too. But, again, they're young. They'll learn.

A few weeks ago I saw a lady walking along the street in pajamas and slippers. I assumed she was going to the little market that was ahead of her. I couldn't help but wonder what emergency item did she need that her sense of urgency precluded her from stopping to put on a pair of pants and shoes. I wouldn't even expect her to put on a shirt - after all, she was wearing a coat. But come on!

When did we stop caring how we appeared in public. Now, I'm not expecting makeup and styled to the nines, but maybe clothes! When did it become okay to wear pajamas as outdoor clothing? Did I miss that memo?

Is it a sign of getting old when I find fault with the trends of the youth?

Sleep

I don't do well without sleep. I'm not a 6-hour a night person. I want at least 8 or 9 before I feel truly refreshed. I can get by on less for a short time, but eventually it hits me and I'm a vegetable.

Last night I didn't sleep well. Well, that's not accurate. I slept well - really well - until 1:30 am. Then I woke up and felt completely alert. I could have sworn it was morning. I looked at the clock (proud of myself for waking up before the alarm)and gasped when I saw the time. I cuddled with Winnie a bit and snuggled down to go back to sleep. But didn't. I couldn't go back to sleep. I was awake.

Sometime around 3:00 am I decided that I would try to watch TV for a bit - at that time of morning that should surely bore me to sleep. No such luck. I was starting to get frantic. How will I get through my day without a little more sleep? I tossed and turned and tossed some more. Finally, at about 4:10 am I started to feel a little drowsy again. I put the covers over my head and tried one more time. This time (after I don't know how long) there was success.

Needless to say I wanted to toss the freaking alarm when it went off at 6:00 am. I turned it off and snoozed again until 7:00 am -- my drop-dead time to get up. I yawned through my shower and makeup. I yawned through my commute. I yawned through my morning meeting. I haven't even eaten lunch yet because I'm just too tired. I tried an extra cup of tea, but nothing is taking any weight off my eyelids.

I wish I could go home right now and take a nap, but I've got a meeting after work. I won't get home until almost 8:30 pm. And all I can think about is - what if I can't sleep again tonight?

Breakfast for Dinner

I love to eat breakfast for dinner.

I love to make eggs, corned beef hash, and toast in the evening. I love pancakes for weekend suppers. These meals are better suited for evening than for morning. Probably because I have to get up early to commute to work, and these meals are too heavy for 7:00 am.

I'm not much for cereal in the evening. When I do have it, it means I had a busy day and don't even have the energy to heat up leftovers. So, it happens, but cereal just isn't exciting enough.

Actually, dinner is when I eat most of my breakfasts. In fact, I don't eat much in the morning - at least not typically. And because of this, if I didn't eat breakfasts for dinner, I'd never get to enjoy these meals.

Gifts

I think gift giving - Christmas included - should be more about what I want to give you rather than what you want.

It's too difficult to get things that people want - first and foremost because, as adults, we go out and buy what we want. So that list is probably pretty small. And if you haven't bought it for yourself it's either a) too expensive, or b) something you're not sure you want. Second, buying what people want is too limiting. Maybe they would want it, but didn't know about it. Some of the best gifts I've gotten were ones I didn't know I wanted . . . until I got it.

So, I think we should give gift that we want to give. It's the thought that counts, right? If I think it's funny to give you the singing bass on a plaque - then that's what I should give you. Maybe you won't hang it on your wall, but I got enjoyment out of giving it to you. Ok, maybe that one was a little too far out there, but you get the idea.

Or maybe it should be a combination of the two - something you want to give, but that you think they will want once they see it. And if all else fails - give gift cards and let them do their own damn shopping.

More Weather

What is up with this weather? It was in the 50s today!!!!

Last week the wind was bitter cold and today I only needed a light jacket. Not that I'm complaining. I like the more fall-like weather, but it's really hard to know how to dress in the morning.

Everyone talks about how the winters aren't as cold as they used to be. I agree. But. . . I think my perceptions are a bit off. It was cold. I remember getting up in the morning as a child and needing to sit in front of the gas heater to get dressed. I also remember walking to the bus stop on a country road (no concrete sidewalks to hold the heat from the day before.) I remember the water pipes freezing on a regular basis - unless you left the faucet dripping. I remember weating boots to school a lot. I remember lots of red, runny noses. I definitely remember it snowing more and being colder. But I was a kid and I had the perceptions of a kid.

Was it really colder? I'll leave that to the weathermen to track and tell me.

Weather

I watch the weather every morning. I'm not sure why. The only thing I truly understand about what they are saying is the temperature. I don't understand what a front is. I don't understand what they mean by pressure. I don't understand those maps with all the wavy lines. I like it when they put the little grid up with the pictures - you know, the sunshine, the rain cloud, the snowflake. I wonder if they have little air funnels in tornado alley?

I'm a reasonably intelligent person and yet I've never been concerned with my lack of weather knowledge and so I've never bothered to learn it. I know a lot of things, and most of them I've learned because they've interested me at some point. But weather doesn't.

At least not yet.

Jammies

We have a hot and cold relationship with jammies during our lives. When we are little we love them. They have feet, they have superheros on them, they're stretchy and comfy. We take pride in them.

Then when we're older, they are the only thing we don't wear to bed. We wear tee shirts, sweats, and sometimes nothing. But we don't wear jammies.

But then when we're older (the age of 51 comes to mind) we love our jammies again. A comfy and stretchy pair of jammies can be our favorite clothing. I can't wait to change into the jammies as soon as I get home in the evening. And sometimes on a weekend I may never change out of the jammies.

After all, I'll just be going to bed again at the end of the day.

Heachache

I hate headaches!

The worst are the all-over headaches that seem to make your whole head throb. It doean't have to be severe (no head exploding) but just a minor throb. Do that all day long and you feel as though you could easily go nuts.

I have had that headache - in varying degrees of severity - for 2 days.

So . . . I don't feel like writing.

Wish I Had a Camera

The sunset is beautiful today.

My desk faces a wall of windows (for now, we're moving in January) and so I get to watch the weather and the seasons change as I work. (Ok, and the garbage trucks pull in but the good views far outweigh the bad views.)

Tonight the sky is a medium blue, fading down into a light blueish grey, fading down into a pale rose, fading down into a medium rose, and then the horizon. But the sky isn't what's beautiful - it's the silhouettes of the bare trees that are between my window and the sky. Many would say that the dark silhouettes are depressing, but I find them to be almost lacy. And the start contrast between the sunset sky and the black silhouetes is completely serene and just . . . beautiful.

I wish I had my camera with me.

Cold Feet

I've discovered something about myself. I don't make sense. Yep, you heard it here first.

All day long my feet are cold. In the evening I leave socks on with my slippers because my feet just can't get warm . . . without sitting on them but that ship sailed about 50 pounds ago.

But . . . at night my feet are too hot. I can be snuggled in bed with a quilt tucked up tight to my neck, and yet my feet are sticking out of the blanket. In fact, it's gotten so bad that I never tuck my blankets in at the foot of the bed - it makes it too hard to kick my feet out. Since I keep my thermostat set at about 64-65 at night, eventually they get chilled and I have to pull them in - but it doesn't take long before they are sticking out again.

So, there it is. I don't make sense.

Swine Protected

I had my annual physical today. I have 2 referrals, 1 prescription, 4 lab tests pending, 1 physical therapy exercise to do, 1 skin cyst to watch, 1 followup appointment, and 2 bandaids from vaccine injections. Yes, in addition to updating my Tetnus, I got my H1N1 antiviral shot. I had no qualms about getting it - I get a flu shot every year and this is just a bit of antiviral that didn't get manufactured in time to get it into the season shot. I can't see what everyone worries about.

The doctor took his time with me, answered all my questions, gave me lots of suggestions, and laughed at my feeble attempts at humor regarding my status as an old, naked lady wearing a bedsheet.

All in all I suppose it was a good experience.

Fitness Test

While surfing the internet yesterday I came across a site that wanted you to test your physical fitness. It didn't give you any results, but rather its goal was to get you to test a few things and then go back again in a couple weeks and test again and then go back a few weeks later and do the same. It was more of a way you could see your own progress over a period of time.

Now, I didn't think I'd ever find the website again, but I wanted, just for the heck of it, to take the test. It was, after all, really short and I had time.

The first test was how many sit ups you could do in one minute. I didn't do them quickly, but I was proud of myself. The second test was how many push ups you could do in one minute. I did the "girl" push ups - actually, I tried the regular push ups and found I could do zero no matter what time I was given. So, I cheated a little, but I did them. The final test told me to go up and down the stairs as quickly as I could for 3 minutes and then check my heart rate. Minute one was great, I was flying up and down the stairs. Minute two I was slower, but I was still keeping a steady pace. Minute three would never have happened if I didn't have a handrail. I was pulling myself up the stairs and I thought my chest would explode. But I did it. I completed everything. I felt good. I wasn't as bad off as I thought.

Until today. I found climbing stairs today to be excruciating. My muscles were locked in position and refused to lift my foot to go up the stairs. After some begging, the muscles let me move but they spent the rest of the day reminding me that I really owed them.

Ok, maybe I am as bad off as I thought.

Deck the Halls

It's the first weekend in December and traditionally this is when I put up the Christmas tree and any other Christmas decorations that I am going to put up. But it's Sunday evening and I haven't even opened the closet to look for the boxes.

Last year I put a holiday runner on the table and set a pre-lighted small tree on top of it. And that was it. I thought about putting up the big tree, but just didn't. I'm not depressed that my kids aren't here on Christmas any longer. I do get to see them either on Christmas or a day or two following. And I picked this - I wanted Thanksgiving, I've given the in-laws Christmas.

No, it's not depression. It's a matter of scheduling. I seem to have time to put up the tree, but in the last several years it has become harder and harder to find the time to take it down. The last year I put up the big tree it was mid January before I found time to take it down. And, while a decorated tree makes you feel festive in mid December, coming home to the same tree in mid January makes you feel nauseated.

So, at least for this year, there won't be any decking the halls. Maybe next year.

Grocery Store

I have been working on my grocery list tonight. I should go to the grocery store tomorrow, but will probably wait until after my meeting on Monday night.

I'm not putting it off because I dread it. I just need a day of hibernating and getting chores accomplished. No, I never dread doing the grocery shopping - I love it.

I'm not sure why. Maybe it has to do with having a very "lean" childhood when it came to food on the table. We always had food, just never any to spare. My mom would open one quart of her home-canned green beans or corn as the side dish to feed a family of 5. This might have something to do with it.

But it could just be because I love food. I love eating it. I love cooking it. I love walking down the aisles and seeing all the possibilities and potential meals. I love living in an age and in a country that allows the selection we have -- I'm sure we have at least 8 varieties of apples and five shelves of crackers. I don't have to buy peanut butter (although there are about 15 brands and styles) because I can buy almond butter. It's crazy!

Now that I think about it, this is probably why I watch the Food Network too.

Exhaustion

I'm totally exhausted. We had a work meeting today that began at 8:00 am (meaning I was up a little before 6:00 am) and went until after 5:00, at which time we reconvened at another location for appetizers and drinks, at which time we reconvened at a restaurant for dinner. Whew.

It's now after 10:30 pm and I've been home for only 15 mnutes. My head hurts, my dog is crying and practically sitting on the keyboard, and I'm ready for bed so I can get up and do the same thing tomorrow.

And I was the first one to leave - they might all still be sitting there!

I'm all for Stategic Planning - but do the days have to be so long? Couldn't we plan just as strategicly if we had 8-hour days? Maybe exhaustion is a factor. Maybe people are more creative on the brink of a nervous collapse. Or maybe its a plot by those 4-hour a night sleepers to take over. "Sure you agreed with this, remember, it was on the morning of the 2nd day that we all discussed it. You were there." Hmmm, that sounds plausible.

My Kids

I have 2 wonderful kids. I consider myself blessed to have them and took it very seriously that I had to turn these little bundles of joy into decent adults . . . somehow.

I think they were adorable babies. They were cute toddlers. Precocious grade schoolers. And then came middle school and high school and they were . . . alright.

But no matter what they put me through, I still loved them fiercely and only wanted the best for them. And even when they were "lacking" in, well, basic civility and compassion, I would still walk through fire for them and I protect them like a mother tiger against anyone who dared to treat them badly. Even if in that instance, they had deserved to be treated badly. In fact, several times my son has asked me why I kept putting up with him. He didn't understand. I had no choice.

And I thought about all this today. Like I have many times in the past. But today I wondered . . . I wondered if they understand now. Now that they both have babies of their own, I wonder if it's clear to them how I kept putting up with them and loving them. I put up with them when they treated me badly, when they withheld their love from me, when they put me through torturous worry with bad decisions and late nights, and just when the acted like stupid teenagers. No matter what.

And as I think about this again today - I think that finally they probably do.

Bathroom Chatter

Today I went to the restroom before lunch. No sooner had closed the stall door when someone from another office came in and immediately asked me a question.

What? You don't do that! There is no talking in bathroom stalls! I don't even know her and I've never spoken to her before. Why now? Why here?

Obviously no one ever taught her that stall conversations were a no no (except to ask for extra TP if yours is empty) and so I politely answered her. But she kept chatting and kept asking questions. I'm trying to do "my business" and she's asking me about the temperature on my side of the building and whether people in my office have to wear sweaters. (According to my bathroom mate, her office could hang meat - which I assumed to mean it was as cold as a meat locker, but I'm not really sure.)

Although I was aghast, I held up my side of the conversation and just waited for her to leave. I could outwait her. And I did, but it wasn't easy. She took her time washing her hands and then stayed to finish her thought. But she did finally leave and I set to finishing "my business" in silence.

Or . . . is it just me?

Parking

I love living in the city. I love the sidewalks. I love being close to everything. I love the noise. I love everything . . . except the parking.

Because I live on a narrow, one-way street, there is parking only on one side of the street. And because the city was late in establishing rules that if you turn a single family dwelling into a multi-family dwelling you better have the parking places to back it up, that one side fills up really quickly. So, driving home at almost 8:00 pm I was not at all surprised to find no parking spaces empty. I was lucky enough, however, to get the first spot around the corner. But I had to walk.

Tonight I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work. I had with me a work bag, a college bag (I taught tonight), a water bottle, a purse, and 5 grocery bags. (BTW: I didn't buy that much but these days they put only one or two things in each bag so that you end up carrying more bags than necessary. Why is that?) Oh, and as you remember from the earlier post, I hate to make more than one trip.

Anyway, I manage to put the college and work bags on my left shoulder (precarious because both are filled thick and sticking out from my side) my purse on my right shoulder, my water bottle in my left hand, the grocery bags all in my right hand, and my keys in my teeth (see earlier post.) I managed to close the trunk and started the walk to my house - leaning slightly to the right so the overstuffed bags don't slide down off the shoulder. I had to stop about halfway and get a better grip on the grocery bags, but made it.

But, of course, once I make it to my porch I look up a couple spaces from my house and there is an empty parking space. While I was finding a way to grab everything, someone had pulled out of a parking space. I hate it when this happens.