Weekend

Another weekend is coming to an end. I did some planting, got my shopping done, made bread, visited with both grandchildren, watched several episodes of a Shark marathon, finished a book, caught up my classwork, and re-colored my hair.

I suppose that's not bad.

Outside

Have I mentioned that I have grown to hate being outside? It's nothing personal - I used to love the great outdoors. But it affects me differently now.

Yesterday morning I cut my grass and spent some time outdoors with my daughter in the afternoon. All day today I've had a sinus headache.

This evening I was outside planting some tomatoes, herbs, and flowers. Less than an hour. I came back in with no less than 9 mosquito bites!

The great outdoors seems to harbor some ill will toward me. Some grudge from days gone by. I don't know. But the feeling is becoming mutual.

I think someday in the future if I could have any outdoor space that I want, I would want a balcony high above the mosquitoes or a screened in porch under the shade of a large tree. I like the outdoors now when it's not really outside.

A Day in the Park

I spent the afternoon with my daughter and granddaughter. My granddaughter is a joy. She's happy and cranky - playful and ornery - talkative and pensive. She's a delight. And she seems to enjoy me.

We played, took a walk, visited a playground, and played some more.

I think she knew the day was winding down when she was in her daddy's arms after a diaper change and reached out her arms for Grammy. It made me feel wonderful.

Grandchildren are great. But I am so tired now.

Physical Therapy

My PT ended last night. I go back to visit the doctor on Tuesday and I'm hopeful that he'll tell me that if I keep up the exercises, he won't have to operate on my shoulder. Yippee.

Who knew my shoulders were so weak. The Physical Therapists told me it was because the "girls" were a little large. Shoulder posture is never what it should be in women with hefty girls. Even though everyone remarked that I had great back posture, everyone said my shoulders came forward just a bit. This meant the muscles in the front of my shoulders were underused - and, of course, that meant other muscles were overused.

So now I'm doing exercises to keep it strong. And I'm trying to keep the shoulder posture as it should be - which means pushing the girls out into the world.

Free Time

There is a long weekend coming. I can't wait. I've been looking forward to it for quite a while. I had nothing on the schedule. Three whole days with nothing to do but work on my "to do" list and enjoy the quiet solitude.

Well, that was the plan. Somehow I now have something on the schedule - I'm visiting my daughter. I'm happy to have time with her, but I'm also feeling stressed to have something on the schedule. I've waffled about this, but I've finally decided how to handle it.

I've decided to wait until afternoon - I'll get as much done as I can in the morning and just about the time I would have given up to the sofa, I'll leave for the visit. So, I think I can live with giving up a bit of my long-awaited weekend with nothing on the schedule.

Ah, a guilt free visit. Much better.

Heat

Today the temperature reached over 90 degrees. And with the humidity being high, it was horrible. It's days like this that make me believe my daughter is crazy.

Earlier this week she suggested that I forgo my lunch hour trips to the library and instead take walks . . . for my health. I have no issue with taking walks, but walks in the middle of the day are problematic. Especially on 90 degree days.

I fear that, after said walk, I would return to my office all sweaty and flushed. Sweat isn't a nice addition to office attire. Hence, the crazy remark.

Restaurants

Why is it that most restaurants (and, I suppose, all food sellers in general) believe they can't make something delicious without making it completely bad for you? They've given you alternatives when it comes to fat content, but what about the salt?

I had a truly wonderful meal today, but afterward the sodium content shot my blood pressure up horribly. I don't tend to have trouble with my blood pressure . . . except after eating badly. Mine is (thank goodness) a direct result to food.

I know to expect it from restaurants - but it's even worse in the grocery store becasue they give you no options. You can tell a fast-food place to not salt your fries (and you'll still get some)but try finding a jar of tomato sauce with lower salt levels. I was overjoyed the last time I was shopping to find a low salt albacore tuna. Now, I know all they have to do is give it a smidge less salt than it had before and they can call it low sodium - but it's a start.

I have nothing against salt - really - I just believe that it's overused and I'd like to control the amount I put in my food. Is that too much to ask?

Weekends

I am thinking that the older you get the shorter weekends get. I began the weekend thinking that I didn't have anything to do except babysit for a few hours. But then I remembered I had plans to go to lunch with my sister - so we planned a shopping trip with the grandson. So, instead of a few hours it became twelve hours (four of which he was sleeping, so it wasn't too bad.) Then I thought, well, at least I can get things done on Sunday - until I got the call from my son asking if I was still planning to take them out to an early dinner. Of course.

I got laundry done and dishes done. That is it. I had such plans - such a "to do" list. I still haven't gotten any planting done and it's almost too late. Sigh. There is a 3-day weekend coming, and (so far) I have nothing planned.

Dishes

It took me all day to get my dishes done and there are still some in the sink.

I don't cook elaborate meals these days - usually don't dirty too many dishes or pans. So sometimes (if the week has been especially busy) I'll rinse everything and stack it until a day I have time - often Sunday.

So a stack of dishes beside my sink greeted me today and I started tackling them first thing. There were so many that I did them in drainerfuls - let them air dry a bit then take a towel to them as I put them away. Then start the next batch. I would have made good progress except that Sunday is also a cooking day. I wanted soup and bread to take to work with me for my lunch this week. So as quickly as I was washing, I was using more.

I've given up for the night(its after eleven) and I still had the pan from the bread I'd made and the pot from the soup sitting in the sink. But I amtired. I will take a few few minutes of awake time to fold clothes and then bed. After all, there is always tomorrow.

Toy Stores

It's been years since I've been in a toy store. But today I went with my grandson. I don't remember toy stores being so large and having so many choices. It took us quite a while just to move through every aisle. There are a lot of nice toys - and there was a good amount of junk. I remember the junk from my kids were young - you know - it's the stuff that breaks or loses pieces almost immediately, but comes in just attractive packaging or gives the illusion of hours of play that the kids immediately want it. Thankfully, my grandson is too young to know he's being spoiled and so too young to be demanding. He also was happy with everything that I showed him, so I got to pick some nice trucks and cars (baby safe ones.)

At the check out the cashier/associate (what do they call them this decade?) asked me if I wanted to join their frequent shoppers club. She didn't bother telling me what it would do for me or how it might benefit future purchases. She just knew. I suppose she sees a lot of Grammys pass by. I didn't disappoint her - I knew that I'd be back. Probably a lot.

After all, how can I adequately spoil my granddaughter and grandson without a toy store.

Fridays

My co-worker and I were commenting today that Friday seems to have more hours in the day than any other days in the week. What a cruel twist of fate. I swear today went on f-o-r-e-v-e-r! And I even interupted the day with sushi, some reading, and a walk to the ice cream store for a big cone of Chocolate Therapy. And still the day went on and on.

If any day was going to be extra long, it should be Sunday. Plenty of time to get all the weekend chores crammed in before the new work week begins AND get some rest in.

Men

I read a line by a character in a book today that struck me. She said, when asked about her single status, that men were so much better in books. It occured to me that she may be right.

Who in their right mind would choose the real-life man over the perfected book character? I can only say that I'm glad we don't get the choice.

My Theory

I'm come to a very big realization in my life. I like complaining. I know I should be 'counting my blessings', but that is not nearly as fulfilling.

I have a theory that the world is divided in two camps - and we waffle back and forth between the two camps. Yes, I feel blessed - about half the time. The other half I complain. And I've got to say, I'm much better at the complaining. And because I'm better at it, I enjoy it more. There is a sense of satisfaction you get from doing something well.

Now, before you get the wrong idea, I want to clarify that I'm not a whiner. Whiners are irritating. A complainer is confident and self assured, whiners are weak and insecure. Sometimes whiners are manipulative - but not always. Sometimes whiners are just exhausted and can't muster the energy to complain. Complainers don't care if anyone is listing and really don't care if anyone is going to change what is being complained about.

It's a theory.

Working

I'm tired of working.

Not just today. I'm tired, period. I don't want to work any more. I've done it a while now, and it's gotten really old.

I'm not hoping to sleep the rest of my life away - just work for me. I want to work on the house, on crafts, on writing, on anything but work! I want my time to belong to me - to fritter away however I see fit.

Since I'm fifteen years away from full retirement, this seems a lofty pipe dream. But it's what I want more than anything.

Since I have no wealthy relatives to will me their estate, since finding a "sugar daddy" at my age and appearance is a slim prospect, and since neither of my children has become a famous rock star or athlete and be able to support their dear old mom, I suppose that only leaves playing the lottery.

Guess I'll stop tonight and pick up a ticket. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Birthdays

Yesterday was my son's birthday. Nothing makes you feel older than your baby getting older.

Maybe it was because he was always reckless and self-destructive, but I felt he stayed my "child" longer. He needed me and it was nice to be needed. So it comes as a surprise to learn that he 28.

When my kids were little, my daughter grew out of laps and hand-holding early. She wanted to be a little person beside you - not a child attached to you. Which was good because her brother was a baby by that time and I couldn't handle two babies. But when my son came along and was perfectly willing to crawl on my lap, I treasured it as long as I could. I knew there would be no more children for me.

It's funny how sometimes your children seem to be what you need them to be. But - I still pushed my son to be stronger and more confident, and I forced my daughter onto my lap occasionally. And it hasn't seemed to scar them for life.

Bathtub

When I am cold, tired, achey, or just stressed - the bathtub is my retreat. I make the water too hot - so it will last a while - find a book, and relax until the water is cold or my toes start to shrivel (whichever comes first.)

Sometimes, I'll watch TV (yes, there is a TV in my bathroom) or scrunch down until only my face is outside the water and listen to my heart beat. Sometimes I put the washcloth over my eyes and forehead and just contemplate . . . nothing.

I take showers in the morning - they wake me up and get me clean. But I take baths whenever. There is something about being totally immersed in warm liquid that renews you. It's like setting some invisible reset button. By the time I leave the water behind, I'm leaving my worries and aches behind also.

Car Commercials

It occured to me again today that I have passed another milestones of age - as if I needed further clues.

I was watching a commercial and a car was racing around a winding road (professional on a closed track, of course.) The announcer was listing all the perks that would make a car nut desire this car. I don't know whether he said it or if I just inferred it - but I remembered all those ads that talked about a car going zero to sixty in just a few seconds.

It didn't appeal to me. At my age, I am more interested in how quickly (and securely) it can get me back to zero. That's the next commercial - for the older adults. I wonder if any advertising firm is listening?

Change

Sometimes change can be good. But change is just disappointing.

I went to a restaurant today that I used to like. Not love, just like. I ordered my favorite item on the menu - fish taco. But it wasn't what I remembered. Now in all fairness, I haven't been there for a few years. Maybe they got a new chef. Maybe they have a new owner. Maybe it was just a bad day. But it was awful. I could swear they had drenched the taco in vinegar. And there was more cheese than fish.

This is always a disappointment. I felt the same way when Ben & Jerry's "retired" my favorite flavor. Or when they started trying to sell me those tall, slim paperbacks instead of the squat ones.

I'm really not that opposed to change in general. Just when it applies to me personally. I'm very slow to want to change. I've been trying to change that - its inhibiting. But nature is strong.

In the mean time, I'm on the look out for a new fish taco restaurant.

Let's Hear it for the Little Guys

I saw a hawk today (or some other equally large and majestic looking predatory bird.) He was flying across the highway being pecked at by two birds who looked almost tiny by comparison. They were about the size of the hawk's head.

It was a a little scarey - mostly because the hawk swooped to probably only 10 feet above the car, I suppose in at attempt to shake his attackers. But it was also a little cool to see.

I kept thinking of victims standing up to a bully. And in this situation, as we hope happens in all instances, the bully was backing down in response. Heck he was retreating.

I don't suppose this particular hawk will never again bother little birds. Nature is nature. But it was nice that these particular little birds got their way.

Reading

I currently am reading 4 books. I suppose it might be confusing for some - or maybe if they were technical or historical novels filled with facts and details - to keep them all straight. But I'm not having any trouble at all. Once I pick up one and start reading, I'm immediately on point with the plot. Three of the four are mysteries - which I was sure would prove confusing - but the characters are so vivid that I'd no sooner mix up a character and a location as I would my children.

How do I juggle 4 books? Well there is one that I have been reading at home - for my book club. There is another that is in my bag that I carry around with me - and I read in waiting rooms and in the car if I get somewhere too early. Another I read at the library over my lunch break - just pull it of the shelf and take a seat until the hour is over. And then there is the one I read (or listen to) in my car during my commute. Four.

I have to tell you, it's almost exhilarating. I love reading and so reading a lot is better still. Still I almost feel a sort of guilty self-indulgence to squeeze so much reading in to one little life. I guess that's part of the fun.

Today is one of Those Days

Sometimes when you have no one to talk to, spend time with, share things with - it's much more noticable than at other times. Today is one of those days.

I don't tend to get lonely - I truly like being alone - but sometimes I do. Today is one of those days.

Maybe it's the slight drizzle of rain outside my window that's getting me down. Maybe it's that a sister I e-mail back and forth to at work is on vacation this week. Maybe it's that I recently felt betrayed by co-workers and have been keeping to myself rather than risk any additional knives in my back. Maybe it's just one of those days.

I shopped with my daughter-in-law Saturday, I spoke with my daughter on the phone yesterday, I spoke with my son on the phone this morning. It's not as though I'm being neglected. Sometimes I guess I just feel social. I suppose this is a good week for it - 2 evenings of meetings this week. I wonder if that will be sufficient.

I wish I could put my finger on it. I'm not used to this. Or maybe today is just one of those days.

Safety

I typically walk up the stairs at work - we're only on the 2nd floor and the elevator takes forever anyway. Even after 3 months, it hasn't gotten easier. I'm still winded when I get to my floor. But since I work at a desk all day long, I figured some stairs in the parking garage and in my office building is about all the exercise I'm going to get.

I had someone tell me they thought the stairwells were creepy and wasn't I worried about walking alone in them. First - our stairwells have windows, so there is nothing creepy about them. One of them is stinky (it's how the restaurants take their trash to the dumpster out back) but that's it. Second, why would stairwells in the middle of the day be creepy - maybe at night, but not in the day.

But it occurred to me that I don't worry much about my safety. I just assume that no one is interested in me and I definitely don't look like I own anything valuable - so why worry?

Then as I came in the stairwell door this morning I noticed that our resident bike rider had rode his bike this morning. And he/she was definitely safety minded. Or so I thought. Looking closely at the bike chain, I followed the pipe it was attached to and saw that under the stairs it ended. Not ended as in going into a wall. Just ended. Open ended. I guess he's not as safety minded as I thought. Or maybe its only the illusion that matters.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.

It's been, what, seven years since my mom died? I don't even remember the exact date any longer. It was at the end of February. I suppose I should remember the year and exact day, but I just don't want to. I suppose if it was important to me, I'd remember it. But, for some reason, it's more important for me not to remember the details.

If I let myself think about it, I supposed I would think it was a little wacky, but I don't tend to let myself think about it. The important fact is I no longer have a mother. I try to understand it sometimes. Why I don't have a mother. But I can't do anything about it, so I focus on my children.

But another Mother's Day has come to an end. I'm safe for another year.

Petunias

I bought my petunias today. I buy petunias every year. I want no other flower to greet me at the front door as I come home.

I've had other flowers there, but there is something about that wonderful scent wafting from the pots on the front porch that just says "welcome home."

Scents are very powerful. I can smell something that will take me back to high school or to my babies (when they were babies.) I have smells that make me think of my ex (before we were married.) I think everyone is like this.

But I think the smells that just make us feel comfortable and think of home are the best smells of all. For me there are a few - turkey roasting in the oven, bread baking, and petunias.

Milestones

This morning my daughter turned 30. At exactly 2:32 am, to be precise, thirty years ago today I became a mother for the first time. She was planned, eager awaited, and adored . . . well, at least until she turned about 15.

Being a mother was one of my life goals. I used to tell people I wanted one hundred kids (does it describe my immaturity if I tell you that I was also going to raise them in a castle?) But by the time I got married I'd decided I wanted four - two boys and two girls. I'm not sure if I truly believed I could choose, but I was adament that I'd have two of each. My husband was on board after my daughter was born - but after his son came along two years later he changed his mind. I was crushed, but I realized that it was meant to be five years later when we divorced. I had one child for each hand - what more could I handle?

My little girl brought another little girl into the world in the last year. She was planned for (though she decided that her parent's plan took too long and surprised them), she was eagerly awaited, and she is definitely adored. And I plan to be around when she turns 15 just so I can sit in the background and smile.

Orientation

I did the orientation tonight for the online class I teach. It's just a brief hour out of the students day where they can familiarize themselves with the software, the class, what I expect of them, and what they can expect from the class. So nothing is a surprise.

Wouldn't it be nice if everything new had an orientation?

Although thinking about it again, I suppose it's a mixed bag of nuts. If I'd had a proper orientation of my job, I might not have taken it. If we'd had true orientations for pregnancy and children, would the population explosion come to a grinding halt? What about marriage? If we truly knew the ups and downs (hopefully not in equal measure) how many would take the plunge?

I personally would like orientation for shopping. So many items of clothing (shoes especially) seem not what I'd been hoping for once I'd got them home. But in all the big things, I guess I prefer not knowing exactly what to expect. Knowing might allow me to second guess my decisions and change outcomes that really weren't that bad. I guess I'd rather be surprised. I think you handle things better when they are thrust upon you - what choice do you have. And if, in order to see the good things around the bend I'd also have to see the bad things coming, well, no thanks.

I've made pretty well so far. I'll just let ignorance carry me the rest of the way.

Physical Therapy

I now have to do physical therapy for my shoulder. I have a bone spur. And when the tendon becomes inflamed, the bone spur rubs on it and causes wear and tear. This I understand. What I don't understand is how USING my shoulder - such as in phsical therapy - would not also cause the tendon to become inflamed. Thus the cycle.

I asked the doctor AND the physical therapist this question. Both detailed some gibberish about stronger muscles. I tried to follow, I really did. In the end I just agreed to it because the next step is surgery on the shoulder to file down the bone spur. Physical therapy it is.

So back to the physical therapy - my first visit went well. She throught I was pretty limber and had good posture except that my shoulders came forward a bit - she said this was common because otherwise my "girls" would stick out more and everyone tends to downplay that. I did some stretches and some exercises and felt pretty good. Until she got me on the table to stretch the muscle for me. She poked her finger in one spot on my shoulder and I thought I would leap to my feet in one movement. "You're a little tight there" she said. "Ya think?" She said it was because that muscle was overcompensating and doing things the OTHER muscles and tendons should be doing, but that may have been painful.

So, in other words. My shoulder hurt, but it would have been hurting worse had I been keeping my posture correct and using the shoulder the way it should have been used. Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

Control

When I was a child, we had three channels - ABC, CBS, and NBC - and only one came in really well. There was no cable. There was only an antenna that my dad had hooked up to a rotor that allowed him to turn it from the comfort of the living room. As long as there weren't any storms, you didn't have to tweak the rotor too frequently. And as far as channel surfing went, that only happened when one of us kids were in the room.

Yes early romote controls were your children. I was guilty occasionally also. The TVs I had when my kids were little had knobs also. And the kids would argue to change the channel. "I can do it!" "No, it's my turn!" They turned the channels a little fast so I didn't ask them to do it too often - I was afraid the knob would break.

Then the remote control was invented. It made changing channels way too easy -- just ask anyone who has had to sit next to a person who can surf at the speed of light. My current remote is very intimidating. And since it controls more than just the TV you have to be careful. And, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I fully understand how to work it yet. But I can do the things that I typically need to do.

Someday my grandchildren will be on my knee and saying "No way Grammy, you had to walk over to the TV to change the channels?" And then I'll launch into the story about walking to school, uphill, for a few miles in the snow every day.

Food Favs

Did you ever have a food that was just a "fav of the moment"? Right now mine is tuna salad sandwiches. I've always liked tuna - but I like it better grilled. But lately I've had a hankering for tuna salad sandwiches that won't go away.

I guess you could call it a craving. Typically cravings are associted with pregnancy - but I have them when my body is trying to tell me something. In pregnancy when my blood sugar would drop way low, all I could think about eating was pancakes with maple syrup or glazed donuts. This was, of course, before I realized that there were better ways to up the blood sugar.

Now I have granny cravings - if the digestive system is "backed up" I crave ice cream - a sure-fire way to move things through my quirky digestive system. If I've had a particular tiring week, I seem to crave meat. Every once in a while (though not often) I crave something salty -- who knows why. Breads and pastas are my "I need taken care of" food. And, of course, when I'm feeling particularly bored and listless, I want chocolate.

But the tuna sandwiches have me baffled.

Marathons

Sunday is marathon day. Not races - but television marathons. I've spent many a Sunday vegging in front of the television with various marathons. My list of past marathons include: MASH, Murder She Wrote, CSI (one, two, and three), Law and Order (one, two, and three), Monk, and so on and so on.

Even if it's a show I've already seen. Even if it's a show I don't particularly like. Even if I have other things that I need to be doing. There is something about a marathon that sucks you in and holds you.

But on the upside - it's quality time with the dog.

Summer

Summer is now here. I know it because it's muggy and I'm sweating. I like summer well enough - but I hate to sweat. And that makes it almost impossible to do anything in the summer. Moving makes me sweat.

And if it's not enough that moving makes me sweat, any amount of heat makes me have hot flashes. So now, if I get hot, it brings on a hot flash that has me sweating even when I have the AC cranked up.

So, I'll hibernate in my house until fall. Which is sort of opposite what everyone else does. Hmmm.