Advice To My Daughter

My daughter recently learned that she was pregnant.  This will be number two.  There is so much that I wish someone had told me when I got pregnant the second time . . . but no one did.

There is a difference between first born children and second born children.  Why?  Yes, because their environment is different (extra person in the house) but mainly because we raise them differently.  We don't think we do, but we definitely do.

So, I'd like to give advice to all those who are expecting number 2.

1.  Do it the same way.  It's tempting to not spend as much time in a bedtime ritual because you have another to get ready for bed, but do it anyway.  The attention is important.

2.  Keep records.  Ok, lets see a show of hands. How many of you mothers barely filled in the baby book for the second born?  The first born has pictures and baby book entries (or blog posts) galore, but by the time the second one comes, you are too busy or you feel like you've already done that. Do it anyway.  The second child wants to grow up knowing that you weren't too busy to document their life like you did the first childs.  Having blank photo albums after the second child is a sure way to put their self-esteem in the gutter.

3.  Teach and entertain them.  I know, it's tempting to plop them in the walker and ask the older one to 'keep an eye' on their sibling so you can get some stuff done.  But one reason your first born is so superior in their intelligence is that you took the time to teach them.  Yes, this means your free time decreases, but is the second baby any less deserving than the first?  They need all the same advantages that you thought were important to the first.

4.  Bestow a sense of family.  You want these children to bond.  If necessary, it should be the children against the grownups.  The older will have a tendency to side with the parent and the little one will feel overwhelmed with grownups.  Instill in the older one that this baby will be their best friend forever.  School friends come and go - but a sibling is there for you all your life.

5.  Don't compare.  Yes, I know that I've just told you to raise them the same way, but as time passes their personality will develop and you'll see that you don't have twins.  You've given the second all the same advantages as the first, but what they take from this will depend on who they are.  It's difficult to not say - "but your sister likes to swim" - but don't.  Now, things like swimming should be learned by all - but they don't have to like it.  Try to find their specialness and praise it.  This will help when they go to school later - children try to compare themselves to others, but it's more important to be able to recognize and appreciate their differences.  Sometimes it's hard to find a child's strength (I know) but you can do it.

6.  Love their father.  It's so easy when you get busy with two children to put daddy in the background.  And some daddys like it that way.  But children are secure when they see love all around them.  Yes, they can see you argue, but make sure it's followed up with an understanding that the arguing is a means to an end - not an end. Just as they need to know their sibling loves them - they want to see Mommy and Daddy as a couple.  I know it's hard to squeeze in time for Dad, so make sure that some of what you do have is public - for the kids sake.

Well, that about wraps it up.  I don't think I've forgotten anything.  As you read this, I'm sure you continuously said "I know that", but trust me, once the second baby comes, what you know isn't always in the forefront of your mind.  You go into autopilot to get from point A to point B in the easiest and most direct way, and remember later that it wasn't the route you wanted to take.  And after all, life is all about the journey . . . right?